Do you know that in relationships, we have a tendancy to reflect patterns of behaviour? A pattern can be reflected by each other in many ways, some of which is good, and some negative. The pattern or behaviour can mean one thing to one person, and yet mean something completely different to another.
As couples, there are shared reflective patterns which can be detrimental to our relationship, unless one calls it out by noticing what’s happening. The patterns may include being too assertive or passive, becoming self justifying, being too giving, or even ignoring our partner. This can lead to relationships breaking down, as we reflect the negative, and forget to affirm the positive.
All of these behaviours always have a positive intent; self protection, protection of another, avoiding arguments, not wanting to hurt someone, etc, however our positive intent is not always useful to ourselves or the other person.
In my own life, I have had several relationships where I have tried to protect the other person from being hurt. However it turned out that the hurt is worse when it all comes out. Sometimes being upfront with the truth will strengthen a relationship, even though we may have initially caused hurt to our loved one.
Sometime we ignore or hide from the truth of the matter which can weaken us and cause instability in our own mind. This can then lead to us “checking out” of a relationship, all because we don’t want to hurt the other person.
In converse, the other person thinks things are going great and relaxes into a state of satisfied bliss, which then pushes us further away. This can lead to depression, anxiety, problems at work, acting out, sleeping disorders and all sorts of other negative consequences, all because our originating behaviour is being fed and reinforced by those around us.
In the last year, I have heard of many couples getting separated, and in my humble opinion I believe the duality of the reflective patterns “we live” on a daily basis is mismatched to the point where one person is so dissatisfied with their life that the need for change becomes paramount, and so gets to the point of changing their pattern with dire consequences to those around them.
Now if we can learn to listen and communicate to the better half in our relationship, we can take the first step in redeveloping a better relationship with that person independent of the hurt they may feel with the news of difference on what we are experiencing, as it may be something they were completely unaware of.
While couples counseling is a big money spinner in todays society, I think sometimes just being able to talk about what we are seeing in each others patterns is enough for ‘good’ change to occur. An example to start the conversation could be “I love you and I want to talk to you about something that has been on my mind recently”
We talk about happiness and its pursuit, and all the things we should do to get it, however happiness is something that cannot be easily captured and held. I believe that self-truth and contentment is just as powerful if we are to continue down the road of a good and solid relationship with ourselves and others. If we are content, then the reflection of that contentment can be shared, which can then bring harmony to what otherwise could be a downward spiral in our relationship.
Noticing the patterns you carry from relationship to relationship and changing the ones that don’t work for you empowers yourself and every one around you. In the two day Relationship Mastery training we identify your patterns in relationships, so you can modify or remove them to get fulfilling, satisfying results.