Today we’re going to look at a linguistic part of NLP, but you might already be using it to your advantage. Learning this NLP language pattern is useful for improving communication and getting your message across.
How often do you notice the word “but” joining sentences. And have you ever noticed that your mind doesn’t focus on what came before the but?
For example “I know you’ve worked really hard this year, putting in extra hours and going above and beyond expectations but there’s a lot you can do to improve.”
“I love you but when are you going to come home on time.”
“I really appreciate all you do, but the lawns still need mowing.”
“You’ve done a great a job on cleaning your room, but your wardrobe floor is a mess.”
‘But’ works like twink, Wite-Out, erasing everything we hear before the word ‘but’ and leaving us helplessly focused on whatever followed it – the bad news. Your mind tends to negate everything that came before the but, and even if you register it, you will retain what came after the but.
The rules of grammar states the conjunctions and, and but, can be used to join two statements.
And: shows addition and is used when the statements are similar. I called Jan and we talked for an hour.
But: is used to connect statements that express opposite ideas. “I also called Steve, but he wasn’t home.”
Its in the opposing statements that you only hear the end of the sentence. And I know you know what I mean, but I’m not sure you understand. So what? If you really want to enable someone, swap the sentences around.
“Your wardrobe floor is a mess, but you’ve done a great job on cleaning your room.”
“That wasn’t your best effort but I know you will do better next time.”
Or swap but for and
“You’ve done a great job of cleaning your room, and your wardrobe floor is still a mess.”
“This wasn’t your best effort and I know you’ll do much better next time.”
For some listeners, but can come across as criticism and not good enough – because the softener or compliment comes before the but and is not retained in the mind.
“I know you can do a great job but you haven’t cleaned your room.”
Much of the misunderstanding we received from teachers and even parents are because of this very simple language structure. Couldn’t make your parents proud (but you tried so hard)? not good enough at school – but there was always room for improvement?
If you constantly feel frustrated with certain conversations, or feel like you’re not getting your message across in the way you want it received, its always useful to check your buts, and use them with intention rather than habit. And if you want to know where your internal dialogue gets some of its language, your non conscious may have been minding someone else’s buts.
Try a little linguistic flexibility and change your buts around. Let us know how you get on. To see the video of this, check it out on our you tube channel. https://youtu.be/kITuMtbRamY